One of the goals that I set for myself when I relaunched this blog was that, among other things, I would treat it as a digital diary. Well, as it turns out, that’s much easier said than done.

I still find myself struggling to know how much I should share, how much I am comfortable sharing, and… how much anyone is even going to want to read. Once I’ve run through all of these questions in my head, the result is that I am not writing anything.

That said, I have been working on writing more offline, at least while I work out what I can and want to share. Once a week now, I sit down with one of my favorite pens and a journal, and I write… No filters, no pressure; just a quick synopsis of the last week and what’s going on inside my head. I’m on week three now. It’s not much, but it’s a start, and It’s been very therapeutic. (quick shout out to my counselor, who told me I should be doing this a couple of years ago).

One of the things it’s helped me to realize is a particularly self-sabotaging behavior; it isn’t one that happens when I’m feeling down and out, but quite the opposite.

Today was a very good day, in fact, the past few days have treated me well. I’ve been blessed with a calm sense of serenity. Despite the dubious direction our world seems to be heading in, my immediate world appears to be doing alright. I feel calm, I feel loved, I feel OK, confident, almost like I can take on the world.

That’s where I found it, in the back of my head, a nagging voice hissing at me, “You know this won’t last, right? You know something bad is going to happen.” …and you know, it’s probably right. Eventually, all good things come to an end. It’s inevitable, but it isn’t today. Sure, it could be tomorrow, but it isn’t today.

I’ve spent so much of my life waiting for the other shoe to drop; frankly, I’ve grown weary of that. So what if tomorrow sucks? Today doesn’t, and today’s lesson is that I need to enjoy today and not worry about the unknown that is tomorrow.

It’s just a thought~